Monday, October 10, 2011

-Slumber Song-

                                 ~Slumber Song~

                         "Some day, if I should ever lose you, will you be able then to go to sleep without me softly whispering above you like night air stirring in the linden tree? Without my waking here and watching and saying words as tender as eyelids that come to rest weightlessly upon your breast, upon your sleeping limbs, upon your lips?
  Without my touching you and leaving you alone with what is yours, like a summer garden that is overflowing with masses of melissa and star-anise?"

                                                                                            ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Sunday, October 9, 2011


       Life can move so fast that you feel as though you can't catch your breath. It can whip by and around you with such speed and intensity that all you comprehend is the blurriness of it all.  But then there are sometimes in life where you're at a stand still. Life feels frozen and you're right in the center of the ice, waiting for it to defrost. Just waiting for it to start up again....My life recently has been a mixture of what I described above. One moment moving so fast I can hardly catch my breath and the next moment I'm frozen right where I am...
    My favorite moments in life are those where you are pulled to linger within them. The moments that pull you to stay exactly where you are, whether they are sad or happy. They are moments that are so intense and real that you almost feel like you can't move. I remember the last time my grandfather drove me to school. I wasn't always home schooled and most of the time I went to public school, my grandfather brought and picked me up. I remember how I would be ready to leave in the morning and he would tease me to hurry up as he finished readying himself. *chuckles* I remember riding in the car and watching kids walking to school and my grandpa would say with his thick Cajun accent , "Aren't you happy that God has blessed us with such a nice car so that you don't have to walk to school like those children?" But I remember thinking, But walking to school looks fun...(lol) I took those times for granted. Even as my grandpa's health started to decline he still brought and picked me up from school because he wanted too. God, I miss him...He was an incredible man and a whole other blog post, but the last time he brought me to school was a time I wished to linger in for a few extra moments...I also remember when I was little, seven I think and I got into a car accident with my parents. It was scary, that's my strongest memory. We got hit in our small car driving back from my aunt's, by a suburban. Mom was first pregnant with my first sister. I was practically asleep in the car when we got hit, and I've been told that my body being so relaxed helped me not to get hurt so bad. I got out of the car with a few bruises and a chunk bit out of my cheek. Gross, I know. lol I remember both mom and dad being strapped to a stretcher and put into an ambulance. I was terrified. Thankfully, nobody was hurt too badly. I remember when I saw mom again and found out that dad was alright. That was the linger moment. I just wanted to stay in that very moment with the comfort of knowing that she and dad were okay. 
  There are so many moments I could touch on in my life where I wished I could linger. Moments with my family, friends, people I care so very much for...but by now I'm sure you get the gist. lol 
  And yes as always, a little Rilke for the road *smiles and winks*

                            --You, you only, exist--

                                  "You, you only, exist
                              We pass away, till at last,
                              our passing is so immense
                          that you arise: beautiful moment,
                              in all your suddenness,
                           arising in love, or enchanted
                           in the contraction of work.

                            To you I belong, however
                           time may wear me away.
                      From you to you I go commanded."

                                                                               --Rainer Maria Rilke--

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Stained Glass Window...

                         "Some days seem to fit together like a stained glass window. A hundred little pieces of different color and mood that, when combined, create a complete picture."
                                                                                          --Sam Roth: Shiver--

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Aaaand, I caught it too :(

         "Just one more sip," I told myself mentally as I used my pitiful amount of energy to lean over and grab my mug of ice water. I put the straw to my lips and had to force myself not to guzzle the incredible water. It felt so good as it entered my dry mouth and slid down  my burning throat. I leaned my head back slightly as to not upset my stomach even more and closed my eyes, praying to God for the stupid sickness to pass.
  That's how I spent my night last night, kneeling by my lovely toilet sipping my happy water and then only moments later throwing up... My little sister caught some virus and as time went on I didn't think I'd catch it. I was feeling pretty well and was trying to help take care of the sick people in my family that weren't as lucky as me. Then last night around seven p.m. my stomach took a turn for the worst and I didn't leave the bathroom for hours. :o It was like hell. Then I am brilliant earlier that day (heavy sarcasm. lol) and eat something spicy for lunch. So my throat decided to burn after each, umm, evacuation ;) Then once I'd sit back down, I would shake something awful and my eyes would just pour tears down my cheeks. Every other time I'd throw up in my life, I never cried so this really weirded me out a bit. lol In conclusion, my night was utterly miserable. I was finally able to lay down around 4 a.m. and thankfully only entered the bathroom a few times after that.  I just kept thinking what my mom had repeated to  me earlier that night, "This too shall pass. I promise that it will stop eventually!"  Now, I'm sitting up, not wanting to throw up(Thank God!), but my stomach hurts and I feel super weak. I'm sipping Gatorade and nibbling on a Saltine, happy that I've kept that down. I feel so bad for mama with all this. She is finally starting to feel better after having this, but he is still so weak. She's having to take care of us. It looks as though no one in this family will get away without catching this stupid virus, I'm just praying that Dad isn't next. :/ At least it won't last forever. As long as I'm not throwing up anymore, then I'll be alright. *shudders* Gosh, I really hate doing throwing up. lol
I hope y'all are all having a happy, puke free day! lol

Monday, September 12, 2011

...."Fire's Reflection"....

                                               -Fire's Reflection-

              "Perhaps it's no more than the fire's reflection on some piece of gleaming furniture that the child remembers so much later like a revelation.

           And if in his later life, one day wounds him like so many others, it's because he mistook some risk or other for a promise.
       Let's not forget the music, either, that soon had hauled him toward absence complicated by an overflowing heart..."

                                                                     ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Friday, September 9, 2011

Today.....I wanted you so much, it hurt.

         Today was just like any day. I woke up. I ate breakfast. I took a shower. I got dressed. I went through the motions as each hour came my way. But today...I wanted him so much, it hurt.....
   By him I mean the one I feel God has for me as my Life Mate. The one I''m not sure I've yet had the pleasure of meeting. I say Life Mate because I don't believe in finding one's Soul Mate. Growing up I had always read about, or watched in movies how in life once you were of a certain age, you started to look for your soul mate. The one who fit you perfectly. As I've grown up, I've come to realize that there is no such thing as a Soul Mate right off the bat. Society has planted this perfect person in our head, one of great beauty and incredible compatibility. The thing is, yes you will find your mate (or future spouse) beautiful and you will have to be compatible, but not the way the world has described. I had read a fiction book about wolves and the wolves spoke of Life Mates instead of soul mates. The wolves spoke about finding the partner that they wanted to spend their life with, the wolf that would be the best mate to have by their side. I loved how the book described it, because the same thing applies to us humans. I'm not saying that a couple can't become Soul Mates, but you don't enter a relationship thinking that you've found yours. You have to grow and  become Soul Mates. For example, when a man meets a woman and falls in love with her and comes to care for her more deeply than any other, choosing to marry her, they choose then to become Life Mates. As time goes on they learn more and more about each other. They become more intricately woven into one another. Another way to explain it is like this: Have you ever heard of or seen those Fruit trees (I'll use the pear trees for this example) that some people grow that produce several different types of pears? I can't for the life of me think of what they are called, but think of the man who falls for the woman as one kind of pear tree and the woman he falls for, as the other pear tree. When they decide to marry they are planted together into the ground as two completely different and separate trees, producing different kinds of pears. But as time goes on their roots grow longer and deeper and their roots stretch and weave, wrapping themselves around each other. They started off as two different trees(and still are) but over time, they become one. If you were to pull them apart after a certain amount of time having grown together, then it would be tragic for the health of them both. Their roots are too intertwined together now and they have stretched and formed around each other, leaning on each other. The two trees have become one. The couple, has become Soul  Mates. That is why I don't believe in finding your soul mate, I believe that you become (over time spent together) a soul mate with the person you choose as your life mate.
  I find it interesting how I can miss someone so much, that I've never met. That I miss someone that I've never spent hours talking, laughing, or crying with. I find it amazing that I can love that someone so...immensely, that I can ache not having him near me and if he is, not knowing it...
  If you are or will become a reader of my Blog, you will quickly find out that I'm a huge fan of  Rainer Maria Rilke and will quote him quite often ;) lol As I am about to right now. I think this poem fits this post well. Have a happy night, to anyone who comes across this post.

                                               -The Lovers-

            "See how in their veins all becomes spirit: in each other they mature and grow, like axles, their forms tremblingly orbit, round which it whirls, bewitching and aglow. Thirsters, and they receive drink, watchers, and see; they receive sight. Let them into one another sink so as to endure each other outright."


Thursday, September 8, 2011



            "The sky puts on the darkening blue coat held for it by a row of ancient trees; you watch: and the lands grow distant in your sight, one journeying to heaven, one that falls;

 and leave you, not at home in either one, not quite so still and dark as the darkened houses, not calling to eterity with the passion of what becomes a star each night, and rises;

and leave you (inexpressibly to unravel) your life, with its immensity and fear, so that, now bounded, now immeasurable, it is alternately stone in you and star."

                                                                               -Rainer Maria Rilke-

Monday, September 5, 2011

Waking up...

           These past few weeks I've done quite a bit of thinking. I turned eighteen on the 18th of August and the thought of being a legal adult kind of made me stumble back a few steps. I'd have to really start acting like one and not just how I acted, but the decisions I would have to make that would effect my future. For years I had longed for the day I would turn eighteen but mostly for one reason. Reason being, that I wouldn't be forced to speak to my biological father ever again so since that thought was so huge I barely even glanced at everything else being eighteen meant. Now being eighteen and having made the massive decision(after praying about it for years) to disconnect from my biological father...what next? What am I going to do with my life now that I'm no longer a child? Yes, I'm still very young, but a I feel that God has called me to be a stay at home wife/mother but... what until then? What if it's a few years till Mr. Right comes into my life, what then? I never thought that that would be a question I wouldn't be able to answer right away. I started to be annoyed that I wasn't one of those people that were sure of what they wanted such as those who hungered to become doctors, lawyers, chefs, etc. I wanted a passion like theirs. I wanted to do something, work hard at something, and love every second of it. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Why was I the 18 year girl who didn't know what she wanted to do? Sadly I'm still in that cloudy funk. lol I feel like I've been sleeping and have just been awoken. Everything seems like it has a hazy film over it. I'm praying for direction and trying to silence my impatient soul as I wait on my Heavenly Father to give me some sort of answer. While I'm waiting and trying to figure everything out, I've been reading my driving book so that I can get my drivers license. I've been tossing around a few ideas of where I'd like to apply for a job and have narrowed it down to two places. I wish that I lived near a small bookstore. I would love having that job. Walking into the store every morning letting the scent of books grace my nose, making me feel high as I inhale them. Mmm, it'd be absolutely perfect. But, it looks to be that Barnes&Noble will be my best choice, instead of my happy imaginary small book store. ;) lol
   I conclusion to this post I'd like to quote a poem by my favorite poet.

  -The Wait-

"It is life in slow motion,
it's the heart in reverse,
it's a hope-and-a-half:
too much and too little at once

It's a train that suddenly
stops with no station around,
and we can hear the cricket,
and, leaning out the carriage

door, we vainly contemplate
a wind we feel that stirs the blooming meadows, the meadows
made imaginary by this stop."


Sunday, July 3, 2011

It's been awhile.

          Hey guys. Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I know that my last blog post was slightly depressing. lol
Life has been crazy and yet at a stand still if you know what I mean. Dad comes back home from Tech School in less than 5 weeks and we're all trying not to go crazy until then. ;) Summer has made the situation much more tolerable though. The bright sunlight and the warmth of the season has been incredible beings I felt like I'd be frozen in the ice of Winter forever! Many times during the last few cold days did I take longer pulling the cloths out of the dryer and maybe leaning a lil farther into the dryer than I should have been. Or purposely pulling the bread out of the oven with the pass of a senior turtle, but that okay! Because it helped me not freeze and kept my teeth from chattering. lol
   Today I was able to get even more skin color while I was outside. Problem is, the front of my body is darker than the back. o.O Guess that's what you get when you sit in a chair for a long period of time and don't let the back of your legs get some sun too? lol ;) But laying on the grass on your stomach always makes me nervous. Laying on your back, sure no problem I'm completely comfortable. Laying on your stomach? Ehh...Bugs are on the ground. little moving bugs. Bugs that can oh-so-easily crawl into your ear. o.O No thanks! lol So, I very rarely do that. Standing with my back to the sun might be my best bet. lol Anyways, at least I've removed myself from the marshmallow category and my skin is now a pretty cinnamon color. :) Well I don't have much else to say but I wanted to write something. Have a goodnight <3 Oh, btw! I took the picture above a few days ago. Isn't it pretty? Gotta love the Idaho sky!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

My Dad...

                                                                  ...My Dad...

            <3...Father in hurts, this pain inside of me. There are moments when I feel as though I can hardly breath. He has to leave, I know it's what is right. But my tears want to escape and, them I constantly fight. I avoid his eyes, and try to be strong. I close up, even though I know it's wrong.
                    He's the angel God sent to me. The protector of my family. He is my daddy, the one whom I look up to and love more than life itself. He's who I go to when I need help. His shoulder has been there to catch my tears, during all of these years.
                   His blood does not run through my veins and we don't look the same. But I am more his than anyone elses...
                You must leave, but I know you'll return. While you are gone there are things I will learn. I'll be okay, but I'll miss you more than ever. But the bond we have, will never sever...<3

Monday, January 24, 2011

I said noooo ma'am. Don't do that. o.O

  Up above are two of my silly sisters. If you can't tell, they are a tad bit michevious. lol As the oldest sister, I always have at least one eye on them at all times. These two are partners in crime. You can always see them exchange these looks. You know the looks that one gives his/her partner when they've just got a scathingly brillant idea? Well these two share those looks often. lol They are still little, but I have a feeling as they grow they will be the two little joksters in the family. ;)
  I love each and every one of my sisters very much. I still remember being 7 years old and praying, "I just want a brother or a sister. Doesn't matter which one! Please God! Can I just have one, please?" lol A month after I turned 8, I became big sister to 2! (God heard and answered me. At that point I thought it might have been all of the pennies I threw into the little ponds with the fake frogs that spit out water at the Mall. After all the penny prayers, He had finally heard me! :D lol) A boy and a girl. My sister was born from my mother and my brother, born from my Step-Mother. Sadly I don't see my half siblings from my biological father. But let me tell you, I was the happiest little girl when I became a big sister. I suddenly felt older. I felt like I would do absolutely anything to protect my siblings. I still feel like that to this day. I would do anything for my sisters. I've also learned how much I effect them. How much they look up to me. I remember awhile back, I was scurring around the house trying to pick a few things up. I wasn't paying attention and rammed my foot right into the door frame. The word that escaped my mouth wasn't completly awful, but I try not to use it even in anger. "Darnit!" I said under my breath. I remember trying not to think about my throbbing foot at I wobbled out of the room to hear my tiniest sister say in the smallest/fairy like voice, the word I had just let slide out of my mouth. I froze and looked over to see her grinning and giggling at me. "Dear God, help me control my mouth..." was the very next thing that entered through my mind. I suddenly couldn't feel the pain in my foot because all that was passing through my mind was what my smallest sister had just repeated. I could hear her giggling still. The giggling of her being proud of herself because she had just said what I had. She was happy to be acting like me. I quickly hobbled over to her and knelt down infront of her and told her not to say that word, that I shouldn't have either, and that I was sorry. She smiled and nodded at me and went back to playing.
  You never know how much you effect someone, just simply by being in there life. You can effect their whole entire future, if they really look up to you. I've learned so much by having sisters, and being the oldest. So much that will help me out when I end up having children of my own, if God allows. I thank my Mama for having let me help out with the little ones as much as she has. I pray that God gives me leads me in my actions because I know that no matter how old I get, I will always have my little sisters watching me. I pray that I can help mold them into God-fearing young women as I journey down that very same road. :)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Welcome! Take your shoes off ;)

                                                     Welcome to my new blog!
Hey guys! Welcome to my new virtual home. This is where I am going to write about my journey to become the best God fearing young woman I can be as I wait/prepare myself for my husband. On this blog I will share with you my goals, the struggles I'll have with trying to perfect them, and the exciting moments if I am able too! lol
Coming from a southern Cajun family I am used to laughter, and the closeness of family and with that, mine will be the same. So I invite y'all to laugh and become family with me as I travel down the path I feel God has chosen for me. Again, welcome! :D