Monday, September 5, 2011

Waking up...

           These past few weeks I've done quite a bit of thinking. I turned eighteen on the 18th of August and the thought of being a legal adult kind of made me stumble back a few steps. I'd have to really start acting like one and not just how I acted, but the decisions I would have to make that would effect my future. For years I had longed for the day I would turn eighteen but mostly for one reason. Reason being, that I wouldn't be forced to speak to my biological father ever again so since that thought was so huge I barely even glanced at everything else being eighteen meant. Now being eighteen and having made the massive decision(after praying about it for years) to disconnect from my biological father...what next? What am I going to do with my life now that I'm no longer a child? Yes, I'm still very young, but a I feel that God has called me to be a stay at home wife/mother but... what until then? What if it's a few years till Mr. Right comes into my life, what then? I never thought that that would be a question I wouldn't be able to answer right away. I started to be annoyed that I wasn't one of those people that were sure of what they wanted such as those who hungered to become doctors, lawyers, chefs, etc. I wanted a passion like theirs. I wanted to do something, work hard at something, and love every second of it. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Why was I the 18 year girl who didn't know what she wanted to do? Sadly I'm still in that cloudy funk. lol I feel like I've been sleeping and have just been awoken. Everything seems like it has a hazy film over it. I'm praying for direction and trying to silence my impatient soul as I wait on my Heavenly Father to give me some sort of answer. While I'm waiting and trying to figure everything out, I've been reading my driving book so that I can get my drivers license. I've been tossing around a few ideas of where I'd like to apply for a job and have narrowed it down to two places. I wish that I lived near a small bookstore. I would love having that job. Walking into the store every morning letting the scent of books grace my nose, making me feel high as I inhale them. Mmm, it'd be absolutely perfect. But, it looks to be that Barnes&Noble will be my best choice, instead of my happy imaginary small book store. ;) lol
   I conclusion to this post I'd like to quote a poem by my favorite poet.

  -The Wait-

"It is life in slow motion,
it's the heart in reverse,
it's a hope-and-a-half:
too much and too little at once

It's a train that suddenly
stops with no station around,
and we can hear the cricket,
and, leaning out the carriage

door, we vainly contemplate
a wind we feel that stirs the blooming meadows, the meadows
made imaginary by this stop."