Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Aaaand, I caught it too :(

         "Just one more sip," I told myself mentally as I used my pitiful amount of energy to lean over and grab my mug of ice water. I put the straw to my lips and had to force myself not to guzzle the incredible water. It felt so good as it entered my dry mouth and slid down  my burning throat. I leaned my head back slightly as to not upset my stomach even more and closed my eyes, praying to God for the stupid sickness to pass.
  That's how I spent my night last night, kneeling by my lovely toilet sipping my happy water and then only moments later throwing up... My little sister caught some virus and as time went on I didn't think I'd catch it. I was feeling pretty well and was trying to help take care of the sick people in my family that weren't as lucky as me. Then last night around seven p.m. my stomach took a turn for the worst and I didn't leave the bathroom for hours. :o It was like hell. Then I am brilliant earlier that day (heavy sarcasm. lol) and eat something spicy for lunch. So my throat decided to burn after each, umm, evacuation ;) Then once I'd sit back down, I would shake something awful and my eyes would just pour tears down my cheeks. Every other time I'd throw up in my life, I never cried so this really weirded me out a bit. lol In conclusion, my night was utterly miserable. I was finally able to lay down around 4 a.m. and thankfully only entered the bathroom a few times after that.  I just kept thinking what my mom had repeated to  me earlier that night, "This too shall pass. I promise that it will stop eventually!"  Now, I'm sitting up, not wanting to throw up(Thank God!), but my stomach hurts and I feel super weak. I'm sipping Gatorade and nibbling on a Saltine, happy that I've kept that down. I feel so bad for mama with all this. She is finally starting to feel better after having this, but he is still so weak. She's having to take care of us. It looks as though no one in this family will get away without catching this stupid virus, I'm just praying that Dad isn't next. :/ At least it won't last forever. As long as I'm not throwing up anymore, then I'll be alright. *shudders* Gosh, I really hate doing throwing up. lol
I hope y'all are all having a happy, puke free day! lol

Monday, September 12, 2011

...."Fire's Reflection"....

                                               -Fire's Reflection-

              "Perhaps it's no more than the fire's reflection on some piece of gleaming furniture that the child remembers so much later like a revelation.

           And if in his later life, one day wounds him like so many others, it's because he mistook some risk or other for a promise.
       Let's not forget the music, either, that soon had hauled him toward absence complicated by an overflowing heart..."

                                                                     ~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Friday, September 9, 2011

Today.....I wanted you so much, it hurt.

         Today was just like any day. I woke up. I ate breakfast. I took a shower. I got dressed. I went through the motions as each hour came my way. But today...I wanted him so much, it hurt.....
   By him I mean the one I feel God has for me as my Life Mate. The one I''m not sure I've yet had the pleasure of meeting. I say Life Mate because I don't believe in finding one's Soul Mate. Growing up I had always read about, or watched in movies how in life once you were of a certain age, you started to look for your soul mate. The one who fit you perfectly. As I've grown up, I've come to realize that there is no such thing as a Soul Mate right off the bat. Society has planted this perfect person in our head, one of great beauty and incredible compatibility. The thing is, yes you will find your mate (or future spouse) beautiful and you will have to be compatible, but not the way the world has described. I had read a fiction book about wolves and the wolves spoke of Life Mates instead of soul mates. The wolves spoke about finding the partner that they wanted to spend their life with, the wolf that would be the best mate to have by their side. I loved how the book described it, because the same thing applies to us humans. I'm not saying that a couple can't become Soul Mates, but you don't enter a relationship thinking that you've found yours. You have to grow and  become Soul Mates. For example, when a man meets a woman and falls in love with her and comes to care for her more deeply than any other, choosing to marry her, they choose then to become Life Mates. As time goes on they learn more and more about each other. They become more intricately woven into one another. Another way to explain it is like this: Have you ever heard of or seen those Fruit trees (I'll use the pear trees for this example) that some people grow that produce several different types of pears? I can't for the life of me think of what they are called, but think of the man who falls for the woman as one kind of pear tree and the woman he falls for, as the other pear tree. When they decide to marry they are planted together into the ground as two completely different and separate trees, producing different kinds of pears. But as time goes on their roots grow longer and deeper and their roots stretch and weave, wrapping themselves around each other. They started off as two different trees(and still are) but over time, they become one. If you were to pull them apart after a certain amount of time having grown together, then it would be tragic for the health of them both. Their roots are too intertwined together now and they have stretched and formed around each other, leaning on each other. The two trees have become one. The couple, has become Soul  Mates. That is why I don't believe in finding your soul mate, I believe that you become (over time spent together) a soul mate with the person you choose as your life mate.
  I find it interesting how I can miss someone so much, that I've never met. That I miss someone that I've never spent hours talking, laughing, or crying with. I find it amazing that I can love that someone so...immensely, that I can ache not having him near me and if he is, not knowing it...
  If you are or will become a reader of my Blog, you will quickly find out that I'm a huge fan of  Rainer Maria Rilke and will quote him quite often ;) lol As I am about to right now. I think this poem fits this post well. Have a happy night, to anyone who comes across this post.

                                               -The Lovers-

            "See how in their veins all becomes spirit: in each other they mature and grow, like axles, their forms tremblingly orbit, round which it whirls, bewitching and aglow. Thirsters, and they receive drink, watchers, and see; they receive sight. Let them into one another sink so as to endure each other outright."


Thursday, September 8, 2011



            "The sky puts on the darkening blue coat held for it by a row of ancient trees; you watch: and the lands grow distant in your sight, one journeying to heaven, one that falls;

 and leave you, not at home in either one, not quite so still and dark as the darkened houses, not calling to eterity with the passion of what becomes a star each night, and rises;

and leave you (inexpressibly to unravel) your life, with its immensity and fear, so that, now bounded, now immeasurable, it is alternately stone in you and star."

                                                                               -Rainer Maria Rilke-

Monday, September 5, 2011

Waking up...

           These past few weeks I've done quite a bit of thinking. I turned eighteen on the 18th of August and the thought of being a legal adult kind of made me stumble back a few steps. I'd have to really start acting like one and not just how I acted, but the decisions I would have to make that would effect my future. For years I had longed for the day I would turn eighteen but mostly for one reason. Reason being, that I wouldn't be forced to speak to my biological father ever again so since that thought was so huge I barely even glanced at everything else being eighteen meant. Now being eighteen and having made the massive decision(after praying about it for years) to disconnect from my biological father...what next? What am I going to do with my life now that I'm no longer a child? Yes, I'm still very young, but a I feel that God has called me to be a stay at home wife/mother but... what until then? What if it's a few years till Mr. Right comes into my life, what then? I never thought that that would be a question I wouldn't be able to answer right away. I started to be annoyed that I wasn't one of those people that were sure of what they wanted such as those who hungered to become doctors, lawyers, chefs, etc. I wanted a passion like theirs. I wanted to do something, work hard at something, and love every second of it. Why couldn't I be one of those people? Why was I the 18 year girl who didn't know what she wanted to do? Sadly I'm still in that cloudy funk. lol I feel like I've been sleeping and have just been awoken. Everything seems like it has a hazy film over it. I'm praying for direction and trying to silence my impatient soul as I wait on my Heavenly Father to give me some sort of answer. While I'm waiting and trying to figure everything out, I've been reading my driving book so that I can get my drivers license. I've been tossing around a few ideas of where I'd like to apply for a job and have narrowed it down to two places. I wish that I lived near a small bookstore. I would love having that job. Walking into the store every morning letting the scent of books grace my nose, making me feel high as I inhale them. Mmm, it'd be absolutely perfect. But, it looks to be that Barnes&Noble will be my best choice, instead of my happy imaginary small book store. ;) lol
   I conclusion to this post I'd like to quote a poem by my favorite poet.

  -The Wait-

"It is life in slow motion,
it's the heart in reverse,
it's a hope-and-a-half:
too much and too little at once

It's a train that suddenly
stops with no station around,
and we can hear the cricket,
and, leaning out the carriage

door, we vainly contemplate
a wind we feel that stirs the blooming meadows, the meadows
made imaginary by this stop."